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 Are
You Living a
Double Life?
By Jim Duzak, the
'Attorney at Love' & Author of 'Mid-Life Divorce and the Rebirth of
Commitment'
Having been, at various times, a divorce lawyer, a divorce mediator, and
an advice columnist, I know that in marriage things are not always as
they seem. I’ve had both husbands and wives tell me that they’re gay but
that they’re terrified of breaking the news to their spouse. I’ve had
more people than I can count tell me about their sexless marriages or
their extramarital affairs. An ostensibly happily-married woman once
told me that she can’t wait for her husband to die so that she can start
living again. Another woman told me she hopes her husband will be
unfaithful, so that she’ll have a good excuse for divorcing him. And a
man once confided to me that his enduring fantasy is to fly to Alaska on
a hunting trip, fake his death or disappearance, and start a new life
under an assumed name, letting his wife keep their house and their
seven-figure investment account.
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What all these people have in common is that they feel trapped in
unsatisfying marriages. They either don’t know how to make their
marriage better or they lack the courage to do something about it.
Instead, they live a kind of double life: “normal” on the outside,
tortured underneath. And they pay a price for it.
Engaging in extramarital sex may be “doing something”, but it’s
something that only intensifies the unbearable loneliness that drives
you to it. Denying or faking your true sexual orientation means denying
yourself a chance to live an authentic life, and denying your spouse a
chance to live with a person who desires him or her wholeheartedly.
Looking forward to the death of your spouse, or hoping that he or she
will fall for someone else, is proof beyond any doubt that things have
gone terribly wrong and that something has to change in a hurry.
When I was a kid, I thought that living a double life sounded exciting.
I remember movies and TV shows about ordinary people who were really
spies or counterspies; undercover cops infiltrating big-time drug rings;
and, of course, Superman posing as mild-mannered Clark Kent. But in the
real world, most people living double lives are not cops or action
heroes. There may well be danger in their lives---usually in the form of
the risk of having an affair exposed or a secret revealed---but rarely
the satisfaction that comes from living a life true to one’s principles. |
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If you’re unhappy in your marriage but pretending not to be, you’re
living a double life, and that life is killing you a little bit
every day. Over the course of time, you’re expending far more time
and energy covering up your unhappiness than it would take to deal
with it head-on. And you’re probably not even fooling anyone; both
happiness and unhappiness are hard to disguise forever.
The way to start dealing with your unhappiness is to look inside
yourself and figure out what you want in your marriage and why
you’re not getting it. The answer may be obvious, or it may take
months to uncover. If the issue involves your sexual orientation,
you may need to see a therapist specializing in such matters to help
you understand what’s going on. But, ultimately, the answer is there
inside you and you need to search for it, with or without outside
help.
Once you’ve understood what the source of your unhappiness is, it’s
vital that you take action. The first action you should take is to
explain to your spouse why you’ve been so frustrated. You’ll want to
do this at the right time and the right place, and in a sensitive,
loving, and non-accusatory way. A constructive conversation with
your spouse is a good first step toward working together to come up
with changes that will benefit both of you.
But you don’t want to make things worse by rubbing salt in the
wounds. If you’ve been unfaithful, either resolve never to do it
again, or figure out if you really want to remain in your marriage.
But don’t cause your spouse needless---and possibly lifelong---pain
by blurting out a confession, especially if there’s no likelihood he
or she would ever have learned of the affair otherwise. (Someone
once said that we hurt ourselves with our sins, but we only hurt
others with our confessions).
If you can be honest with yourself without being self-pitying, and
honest with your spouse without being cruel, you should be able to
stop living a double life and start living a life true to your core
values, a life that defines---not disguises---who you really are.
Big Blend Radio -
Jim Duzak was a featured guest on Ultimate Living radio show
on July 18, 2010. To listen to Jim's interview,
click
here. To listen to the entire show, please
click here.
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Jim
Duzak - Known as the 'Attorney at
Love', Jim is a divorce lawyer and mediator, relationship coach and
counselor, former dating service owner and the author of 'Mid-Life
Divorce and the Rebirth of Commitment'. Learn more at
www.AttorneyatLove.com |
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This site developed by Big Blend Magazine™. copyrighted since 1998. No part of it may be reproduced for any reason, with out written permission from Big Blend Magazine, P.O. Box 867, Green Valley, AZ 85622.Opinions expressed by contributors are not necessarily that of this publication or any of its staff. We reserve the right to edit submittals. All subject matter is intended for general information only and not to be take as personal advice in any matter. Although every effort is made to be accurate, we cannot be held responsible for inaccuracies or plagiarized copy submitted to us by advertisers or contributors. |
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