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What I Wish I Had Known
Part Three: Money Issues
By Jim Duzak, the 'Attorney at Love' & Author of 'Mid-Life
Divorce and the Rebirth of Commitment'
One of the reasons people are marrying for the first time later than ever before---or not marrying at all---is money. There’s a widespread perception that financial problems are the cause of more divorces than any other issue, and that the best way to avoid such problems is to delay marriage until both partners are settled in their careers and have paid off their student loans, car loans, and credit card balances.
There’s no question that too-early marriages are often shaky, and that money is a significant factor in many divorces. But it’s important to recognize that a lack of money, per se, is rarely the problem when a marriage is crumbling over money issues. If that were true, lower-income couples could never remain happily married, which is simply not the case. There are hundreds of thousands---probably millions---of successful, long-term marriages involving people of modest means. Conversely, there are marriages in which multimillionaire spouses are always arguing over money and eventually divorcing over it.
Marriages fail over money when couples have incompatible attitudes
toward spending, saving, or financial risk-taking. They fail when one
spouse uses money as a means of intimidation, control, revenge, or
excessive ego-gratification. They fail when a spouse habitually lies
about his spending, or sets up secret bank accounts. They fail when one
or both spouses can’t handle an unforeseen job loss or financial
reversal. They fail when money gets mixed in with issues involving
in-laws or stepchildren. They fail when a couple’s approach to money
mirrors their lack of investment in the marriage: when it is always “my”
money, not “our” money.
The lower-income couples I mentioned who make their marriages work have
traits that all couples should emulate. They’ve learned to
function as a financial team. They’re on the same page in terms of what
they can afford and what they can’t. They don’t feel the need to use
money to impress friends and relatives, and they don’t dwell on the fact
that others may have more money than they do. They celebrate their
financial successes, no matter how small, and make stretching their
money a kind of game. They may have problems in their marriage, but
those problems usually aren’t money problems.
Before marrying someone,
you need to know how he
or she handles financial
matters. You need to
find out whether he or
she is carrying a big
credit card balance, has
a gambling addiction,
has filed for
bankruptcy, has been
sued for fraud, had a
car repossessed, had a
home foreclosed on, or
is behind on alimony or
child support payments.
In our society, money is
a bigger taboo than sex.
Thus, many people go
into marriage knowing
everything about their
spouse’s sexual history
and next to nothing
about his or her
financial history. Or
they make assumptions
that prove to be false,
such as assuming that a
guy who spends his money
on motorcycles, boats,
and other “toys” will
somehow shift his
spending to home
furnishings and kitchen
remodeling projects
after the wedding. Or
they may not realize
that his adult kids from
a previous marriage are
always getting into
messes and hitting him
up for money.
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Big Blend Radio - Jim Duzak on
Champagne Sundays radio on
March 7, 2010.
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Having conversations
about money is crucial
for any couple
considering marriage, as
is paying attention to
any red flags that arise
out of those
conversations. And one
of the reddest of red
flags is when the person
refuses to answer
questions or voluntarily
disclose information.
If he says it’s none of
your business what he
earns or what his credit
scores are or how much
he gives to his kids, I
guarantee you there is
trouble ahead.
It may feel awkward to
ask probing questions
about a person’s
finances, but awkward
conversations now are
better than angry
conversations later. The
truth eventually comes
out, but by the time it
does your finances may
already be dragged down
by your spouse’s.
The way to get the
information you need is
to be respectful and
sensitive, but still
assertive. Start by
explaining that you feel
strongly about financial
responsibility, and that
you hope he does, too.
Emphasize that you’re
not trying to embarrass
him or punish him. Be
upfront about your own
financial history, and
admit any mistakes
you’ve made. Show him
your credit card bills,
bank statements, and tax
returns. If, after all
that, he still balks
about disclosing his
records, hold off on
getting married until he
gives them to you. And
don’t wait forever for
them.
A good marriage is more
than just a financial
partnership, but if that
partnership is lacking
there’s not much hope
for the marriage. On the
other hand, if two
people with shared
values can work together
to build a stable
financial future, their
effort and their
sacrifices will have a
powerful effect on other
aspects of their
relationship. The time
to start working
together, though, is
before the wedding.
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Jim
Duzak - Known as the 'Attorney at
Love', Jim is a divorce lawyer and mediator, relationship coach and
counselor, former dating service owner and the author of 'Mid-Life
Divorce and the Rebirth of Commitment'. Learn more at
www.AttorneyatLove.com |
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