Deep
Relationship
by
Carlisle Bergquist, MA, LCMFT
“If you’re
here because you want the person next to you to change, then
you’ve come for the wrong reason.” I said to the couple
sitting before me in my counseling office. Like many others
I have seen, they came for help–help resuscitating a
relationship on life-support and already in critical
condition. Getting to the intersection of “screw you” and
“kiss off” doesn’t happen overnight, and despite the
justifications each person feels, it likely isn’t only one
person’s fault. The descent from oxycitocin driven bliss
into strident, high volume, emotional discord, happens in
inches. The fights themselves are often each person’s
desperate attempt to reawaken the deep relationship they
knew with their partner at the beginning. Somewhere along
the line, their efforts failed and now only add to the deep
disappointment and despair. The good news is that when both
parties are willing to take responsibility for their own
change instead of monitoring the others, real healing can
begin.
We enter
relationships–all of them–anxious for an energy exchange
with our new partner. Whether it is a romance or a
friendship, we can’t wait to hear the other person’s
thoughts and feelings, and share our own in return. In a
healthy relationship, this exchange is a positive,
empowering dialogue with energy flowing freely back and
forth that builds both people up, even if it includes
criticism that is lovingly given. Unfortunately, sometimes
one person does not give equally; they horde the attention
and resources of the partnership diminishing the other until
they are left wondering why the person they love is bitter,
resentful, and angry.
We
are also part of another relationship, one that is even more
primal than sharing life with a mate. It came easily with
the innocence of childhood. Once we approached nature with
wide eyes, fascinated by every firefly, tadpole, and daisy.
We couldn’t wait to talk to our pet, converse with a passing
toad, or find a unicorn in the clouds above our head. Our
storybooks told of adventures shared by fairies, elves, and
frogs that turned into princes. As children, we drank in
our surroundings anxious to learn from–and about–the world
we had come here to inhabit, not as observers but as
participants. As children, the world was our lover; we
cherished every offering it provided and traded our
wonderment for the blessings of creation. We were eager for
the exchange.
The
cosmology expressed in Andean mysticism describes our
personal existence as occurring within a universe of living
energy with which we constantly exchange. Adding to our
childlike wonderment, we enter into a deliberate, respectful
relationship with this energy at large. Ayni (pronounced
I-nee) is a state of reciprocity, a sacred interchange with
everything–yes everything. In Christian terms, we might
think of it as doing unto others as you would have them do
unto you. In the Q’ero culture of Peru this means not only
helping the people in your community, but also caring for
and respecting your neighbors who may happen to be
mountains, forests, plants, animals, or minerals. The idea
is that we are always giving and taking with everything
around us. Therefore, be conscious of the exchange and
“give at least as good as you get” to everything.
Now, back
to our befuddled couple stranded at the corner of “screw
you” and “kiss off.” Clearly at least one of them has not
been giving back as good as they got. They end up keeping a
scorecard of their partner’s transgressions and start
holding back emotionally, sexually, and mentally. This of
course gets the other’s attention, worsening of the
situation and soon both parties have a long list of crimes
against their personhood over which they can fight at
anytime. The exchange of energy has turned negative and
will likely increase in volume and violence until the
connection breaks apart. One partner feels disparaged, the
other is self-absorbed, and now the relationship starts to
get a little noisy. The ground beneath it begins to shake,
dinner conversations turn into volcanic eruptions, and the
once blue skies of romance fill with lightning, thunder, and
gale force winds. If only both were willing to give a
little better than they got–without keeping score. That’s
what’s happened to so many of the couples I have seen but
isn’t it also what is happening in our larger relationship
with creation itself?
As with
the troubled couple, disenchantment didn’t happen over night
in our relationship with creation either. Maybe the split
did happen in the Garden of Eden or–maybe it crept slowly
into our lives as we left childhood behind and begin to
redefine what “real life” meant. In either case, we have
slipped inch by inch into isolation staring at the road
ahead, or the screen before us walled off from the magic of
the world in artificial environments. We rarely look down
to smell the roses or look up to find a billowing unicorn
all the while self-absorbed in the belief that we are too
busy. And, all the while we are too busy, our Partner in
this greater relationship is being depleted, diminished,
ignored and longing for our attention.
If
you’re here because you want the person next to you to
change, or if you’re waiting on the world to change, then
you’ve come for the wrong reason. Crisis in a marriage
ultimately comes down to a spiritual problem but the answer
isn’t in a sacred book, it is in acknowledging the sacred
Spirit in each other and only you can change. Crisis on the
planet is a bit more difficult. Perhaps you are one of the
lucky ones who can see nature spirits, or sense the presence
of a great planetary sentience; you can build your
relationship directly. I have always appreciated the Native
American tradition of offering a little tobacco to the
Earth, acknowledging and thanking the sacred ground upon
which we walk. One need not change religion to appreciate
our place in a creation of living energy, only our
attitude. Whether or not you can frolic with the fairies,
or discern an elfin tongue, conceding that this universe has
many mansions and respecting where we tread can only enhance
our experience here. The quintessence of global warming and
its subsequent climate crisis is also a spiritual problem
and only you can change. When one accepts that sacred
Spirit is all around us and respects all the worlds of
living energy, solutions begin to appear. Spiritual crises,
whether personal or planetary, is resolved one heart at a
time and one pure heart changes everything. Consider the
simple concept of Ayni, let it lead you to deep relationship
with all that surrounds you and watch as real healing
begins.
“We are stardust, we are golden.
We are caught in the devil’s bargain,
and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden.”
(Woodstock
– Joni Mitchell)
Carlisle
Bergquist is the author of ‘The Coyote Oak: Burgeoning
Wisdom’, and the creator of Vantage Quest.
Psychotherapist, psychological researcher, systems theorist,
author, and relationship counselor, Carlisle Bergquist is
skilled in Psychosynthesis, creativity, spiritual emergence
and transpersonal issues. His therapeutic experience
includes work with families in crisis, adolescents, prison
inmates, creative artists, and individuals undergoing
spiritual crises.
Read more articles and find out about
Carlisle Berguist.
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